My best friend had been on three very promising dates with an exciting prospect, highly anticipating date four. He would be cooking dinner for her at his house. She knew this was going to be a big one. She offered to bring food, drinks, or dessert, and even though he said it was not necessary, she decided to bring her copper mugs from Colorado along with the ingredients for Moscow mules. This would definitely impress.
The dinner was delicious and the conversation flowed easily. He appreciated the mules in her treasured copper mugs and they spent about four hours together before she left to head home that evening. But she made a strategic decision before she left. She didn’t forget her copper mugs. She left them behind, confident that she would be returning at a later date to enjoy some mules with someone who was clearly shaping up to be boyfriend material.
She never saw the mugs again. Because after that night she never heard from him again. Poof. Gone. Ghosted.
I really do miss those mugs she shared with me.
I learned about her copper mug investment as I had been sharing with her about how I was at a point in my current relationship that I felt I needed to start carving out a space for myself at his place. I was used to packing the overnight bag with the same essentials: pajamas, change of clothes for the next day, night cream, contact lens solution, glasses, etc. When I would leave the next day, back everything went into the bag. Offhand comments were starting to be made about how I should just leave a few things over there so I would not have to keep schlepping my stuff back and forth. Oh, it’s fine, I said. I don’t mind. And I really didn’t. But he did. I missed that this had been put forth as a challenge. Would I leave the overpriced face cream? Hairbrush? Request a drawer for my belongings? How much would I be willing to invest?
A drawer of clothes had seemed too much too soon so I started with the toothbrush. I tried that out for a bit before graduating to a hairbrush and a free sample facial spray. My boyfriend had bought me a bath puff, so I felt confident bringing over the luxury hand and body cream. I thought I had been baby-stepping my way to both item and relationship security. Look at my progress! I didn’t realize that this was not enough for him. Too few items. Moving too slowly.
Maybe my items weren’t as cool as copper mugs, but items left at your partner’s house represent an investment in that relationship. Whereas my best friend was ready to stake a claim on date four, I was months into a somewhat tumultuous relationship with only a toothbrush, hairbrush, facial spray, and body creams to indicate my presence at his house.
Needless to say, the relationship didn’t work out. Looking back now, I realize that my reluctance about leaving too many items at his place was because I knew there was a good opportunity that I would never see them again. And when we broke up at his house I only had Sylvia Plath’s biography to take with me. The other items didn’t feel important. He could throw them out if he wanted to, or maybe save the lotion or facial spray for another guest down the road after my presence faded from memory in the walls of his house.
And maybe in my next relationship I won’t think twice about bringing things over or requesting a drawer. Maybe I won’t equate leaving items at my partner’s house to performing a risk analysis assessment. Maybe I won’t bring the copper mugs over too early or only have three items there after months together. Maybe it will be easier. And maybe I’ll feel comfortable leaving things there without worrying if everything has an expiration date.
