“You’ll need Diamond status for Premium Wi-Fi,” Vincenzo said. The internet has a caste system now. Regular Wi-Fi still existed, of course. It had just been demoted into something slow enough to encourage aspiration. I never know what my status is. That’s what travel has become: continually managing tiers, memberships, and qualifications. It’s not “Where […]
Dignity, Now Available as an Upgrade Read More »
Then came the Ricky Schroder Little Lord Fauntleroy cut. Translation: “I wanted a boy.”
Symmetry, Bangs, and Other False Gods Read More »
Earlier today, I emerged from a Propofol haze, which sounds glamorous—very midlife spa—a clean, medically sanctioned blackout (and the best sleep of your life) requiring you to sign twenty forms confusingly saying that you might die, but also: statistically unlikely, very peaceful, and do you have an advance directive just in case? Are you at
Goin’ Come Make Soon Read More »
A friend gave me Da Jesus Book when I lived in Maui – the entire New Testament translated into Hawaiian Pidgin – and I didn’t know whether to laugh or feel vaguely blasphemous for laughing. “In da beginning wen get notting, God wen make da sky an da earth” is how it starts, and suddenly
Da Jesus Book: When Pidgin Meets Scripture Read More »
She was nine, maybe ten. The kind of girl who smelled faintly Coppertone and pony sweat. A girl who rode horses and believed every story worth living began on a dirt road. The Burt Reynolds Horse Ranch was her Graceland. White Arabians. Rumors of movie sets, Al Capone’s tomatoes, and Sally Field. A chance, maybe,
The Burt Reynolds Horse Ranch Tee Read More »
emotional demerit (n.): 1. a small penalty you give yourself when you do something mildly self-sabotaging but completely human. 2. observations, encounters, and everyday absurdities that are simply too ridiculous not to call out. Thermal Neglect: Heat Transfer, Entropy, and a Deep Respect For a Properly Zipped Bag. Result: Gelato melts, order collapses, and a
Now I am too old to complain, to be weird, to curse, to be offended, to be sensitive, to whine, to resent, to be behind on savings. I am not the wise, financially secure, intentional woman I thought I’d be with a bookish brownstone, a smattering of unique friends, and young people seeking my advice.
I Am Not Meryl Streep Read More »
As Zelda pointed out, “Everyone you like is dead.” Truth. I have an obsession with dead guys. I’ve found my niche in the dating world, and I’m not sorry about it. They’re always available, they don’t lie, and they give me exactly the right amount of space (six feet under, to be precise). Vintage Variety
Falling for the Departed: My Obsession with Dead Guys Read More »
The world may breathe a collective sigh of relief knowing that I’m not gracing the streets in wide-brimmed hats, bloomin’ onion skirts and big ass belts. I’m not Diane Keaton–legend, icon, patron saint of individuality. But I’ve been trying to channel her essence presence ever since I first saw Annie Hall on my parent’s Betamax
La Di Da -The Allure of Diane Keaton’s Quirky Charm Read More »
Potential Catastrophe Pants There are so many ways a life can go wrong. In an instant. For example, you’re out hunting kudu at a Texas game ranch ( for a mere $28,000 – which also includes poker and air conditioning and night vision hog hunting), killing it in these pants until you’re accidentally shot through
…how much I love Michael McDonald’s face. I guess enough other people love him too— enough to warrant online merch.* How ’bout that Michael McDonald scarf? I could wear that. Cold office AC, no worries when you’re wrapped in Michael McDonald! And I would buy the $50 backpack (there are several designs) just to field
I Keep Forgettin’……to Get a Michael McDonald T-Shirt Read More »
While purchasing a personalized rock on Etsy, John Denver earrings were suggested to me. I love them, but I have too much hair. But what about a shirt? Or a mug or a western hat like this one I own? I love John Denver. So I pulled out my old JD Greatest Hits album, grabbed
John Denver Merch Stirs Up Emotions Read More »
