A parenting deal gone bad. Every decision a cointoss when raising a teen boy. The hunter and the hunted. Who is who? Intermittent explosive events striking without warning, leaving chaos in their wake. Paralyzing overwhelm. WTF is happening? What is going on with you teen person stranger? Wha are you? Who am I? Who have we become? I don’t know these people. Merciless. Relentless. What do you need me to do? To be? Can you help me understand what is going on with you?
It’s you, mom. It’s all you.
It’s like he is holding up a mirror and laughing, “Ha ha, look at you- trying to be a parent-as if you even know what you’re doing! You’re like a 15-year-old stuck in an old lady body- what were you even thinking, having a kid?!”
How dare my child show me what I am! After all I have done! He speaks the truth. I’m a dollar store action figure. Cheap, plastic substitute for the real thing. The trigger for every standoff is me, my mere existence apparently. And no, I don’t really have any idea what I am doing. Sometimes I am him -still that teen watching this teen. I’m still learning. I’ve only just begun. But time won’t wait for me to catch up or get with it, figure out how to be a real parent and survive.
Some things I’ve learned to do when my head feels like a drive-thru carwash and any attempt at peace is assassinated:
- Walk on By – Can I get a little Dionne Warwick? Hum this song as you walk away. Walking away is so hard for me because I am stubborn and immature and feel the need to make my point. Do you wanna be right or do you wanna be happy? (Right, duh.) My son is the same and we’re both fire signs if that really means anything. We both know we are right. So I have to pull my head out of my ass and walk away so I can model the art of diffusion and not needing to be right.
- It’s not you, it’s science – Maybe. Reading about exactly what is going on in a teen’s brain is immensely helpful. (but sometimes it is me, let’s be clear). I can now Dionne Warwick away, open a book to a highlighted passage and say, That’s exactly what is happening right now and I’m staying the hell out of it.
- And just like that…. I look at photos of when my child was a sweet toddler with a gap between his front teeth and replay videos of him telling a story when he was 7 (where did that voice go?). But I can’t remember the tantrums or the arguments and the times I cried in my shower thinking I couldn’t do it all. Well, what’s different now? I will very soon look back and think it wasn’t so bad and wish he was still around eating all the food in the fridge.
Some Good Books. Very Good.
Teenage Brain Book – Why does he do that?! Francis E. Jensen, a neuroscientist gives practical advice for teens & parents.
Brainstorm: The Power and Purpose of the Teenage Brain, Dan Siegel – A must read book for every parent if they want to avoid emotional turbulence in their own lives as their children go through adolescence. It’s lifesaving for the whole family.”
How to Raise an Adult – Julie Lythcott-Haims A provocative manifesto that exposes the harms of helicopter parenting and sets forth an alternate philosophy for raising preteens and teens to self-sufficient young adulthood.
How to Stop Losing Your Sh*t With Your Kids Carla Naumburg, PhD – Drawing on evidence-based practices, here is an insight-packed and tip-filled plan for how to stop parental meltdowns. Its compassionate, pragmatic approach will help listeners feel less ashamed and more empowered to get their, ahem, act together instead of losing it.
