Potential Catastrophe Pants
There are so many ways a life can go wrong. In an instant. For example, you’re out hunting kudu at a Texas game ranch ( for a mere $28,000 – which also includes poker and air conditioning and night vision hog hunting), killing it in these pants until you’re accidentally shot through the femur by a 9 year old (because yes, he has a license, it’s Texas folks.)
But at least you’ll look good.
Everything is a Subscription Pants
I just signed up for a 12-month subscription for air. To breathe. But I still get ads unless I pay for Premium Air. Obviously, it’s on auto-renew because I need to like, breathe. Well, these pants are here to remind you that you’ve got subscriptions. Do you know what they are? Are they auto-renewing? Apps like Rocket Money will find and cancel your subscriptions for you (for a fee), but you need a subscription.
Low-Grade Depression Gauchos
Get ready for a 70s South American serotonin spike. These pants embody the lifestyle of the free-spirited Argentinian cowboy (gaucho): vagabond roaming the Pampas, sleeping under the stars, strumming and sipping yerba mate (which by the way also has antidepressant effects according to The Oracle. I mean Google.)
Choices Come to Haunt Pants
Freewill is a bitch. Sow and reap. But don’t let regret and despair stop you from wearing your feelings. You’ll (finally) be making a great choice with these pants knowing you’ll be comfortable during hauntings. Hey, you might even get a compliment or two.
Underpaid & Undervalued Pants
Yes, you are both. Time to shake things up – try something completely new, stop clinging to that seductive thread of life insurance. Take the first step: into these work pants. Imagine your own business- one where you put things in pockets. See where it leads….
Tumultuous Colon Pants
Maybe it was that bowl of Grape Nuts, maybe IBS acting up. You ate your feelings again. Whatever the case keep it low and roomy. These comforting pants sit below your stomach to allow for seismic activity, flexibility, and big-ass underwear. Baggy enough in the rearview for whatever may or may not happen. Bonus pockets.
Microdosing Mom Pants
Psilocybin-induced patience and agreeableness? Drudgery of motherhood got you down? You too can join the microdosing mommy movement and lighten up between school pick-ups, soccer practice, and all that motherhood demands (lunches, dinner!) How about foraging? In the woods. Alone! Pour yourself into these pants and make it fun to walk by the mirror.
Common Sense in Crisis Pants
What was I thinking? We’ve all been there. If you’re not clinically depressed, or Diane Keaton, probably best to wear something else.
Trance of Unworthiness Pants
If you’re stuck in the I’m not good enough loop, you’re wearing the wrong pants. It’s time to try on some radical acceptance. Look good, feel good. Feel good, look good.
